Running & Asthma

From early childhood I have been a sufferer of Asthma and as I grew older I still always get regular attacks that it has affected not just my personal well-being but also my social well-being. Because I am not allowed to be exposed from smoke and dirt and from crowded places, I would normally avoid social gatherings and would just retreat to outdoor activities to help my lungs breath normally.  The pain of having asthma is no joke that I would have trouble drawing a single breath and this would go on intensely especially at night as if I was breathing my last. So for two-months I started running for thirty-minutes before I go to work. I noticed that there had been a slight decrease to no attacks during the first month and on the second month I noticed a better stamina and no attacks at all. Take note though, that prior to these I was already doing a routine exercises but I would only do running once or thrice a week or sometimes, because of my busy schedule I would only do it on a weekend. The last two months had been a breakthrough for my health because it helped me perform my work well because I didn’t have any attacks and I was always present.

But on the third month, after achieving my personal goals, I procrastinated, I gave plenty of excuses to myself and stopped running, it added up eventually, that I realized I have not been running for three-weeks straight now. Let’s make it two because the third week straight I was bed ridden and could not run at all because my asthma returned. For the last five days I skipped work and refrain myself from doing any outdoor activities and stayed inside my room and forced my body to rest and sleep for more than 10 hours. Also, I did not take any other medications that were prescribed by my doctor other than the maintenance medicine that i’m using.  But I followed her advise and had my chest X-Ray, CBC and Potassium test taken and all three tests resulted normal.  I would eat fruits like Banana and jack-fruit but I wasn’t really eating a healthy meal since I was fond of putting chilli-oil on my food.  Today is the 5th day and I would say I feel a lot better compared to the last four days. It feels as if my body went into a state of shutting down and restarted on the 5th day. Earlier this morning, I decided to go out and test how my body would react, at first it felt like I will experience another attack but when a friend of mine called my attention my body started to adjust to the environment and I feel better again. I think.

Moreover, I started to exercise again today, it wasn’t the running but just the regular push-ups and crunches. I feel normal again. I don’t feel lethargic unlike the previous days. I learned a great lesson from this experience. 1.) I learned not to overindulge myself. Too much of good thing is bad. Moderation is the secret.  2.) Avoid making excuses.

I will try a diet over the weekend. I will update this blogpost for any progress.

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The Hangover

Dear Self,

My meet up with Jon Snow happened earlier than expected. I was free last night anyway so I thought of not prolonging my agony any longer. I was 30 minutes late due to the heavy traffic but he patiently waited for me. When I saw him sitting I was just staring at him and when he noticed my presence I couldn’t speak up and the only thing I did was gave him a two thumbs up sign 👍👍  and then gave a little smile.  It wasn’t our first meet up but whenever I am with him for some strange reason I always get cold feet. 

It was dinner time and our arrangement was he pays for our dinner and I pay for our drinks. So we had dinner at a pizza restaurant near his place. He asked me what I wanted to order, I was hungry for something else so I settled for a Ceasar Salad and Banana Split. There was a moment of silence when I was looking at his eyes and he was looking at mine. Masaya ako because nagkita ulit kami. “Kwento ka. Kamusta ka?” I told him. 

“Same. Nothing new. Work, Gym lang ako. Ikaw? Dun ka pa rin sa….”, he said.

“Saan? Sa dati pa din..”, I replied.

“Saang dati? Sa ***?”he said.

I didn’t want to talk about my personal life so I changed the topic. Good thing our order arrived and I started to eat my salad and he started eating his buffalo wings with no rice. 

We talked less during our dinner, not because I didn’t want to but I enjoyed looking at him enjoying his food. I had to break the ice before it gets boring so I started our conversation by talking about the food that we were eating. 

“Ang sarap ng veggies ano?”, me referring to the ceasar salad that we ordered. 

He looked at me like i’m being weird again and just nod. 😂

Obviously not a good ice breaker topic so I changed it. Since I remember he’s a license scuba diver I asked him about it. 

“Mahirap ba mag scuba? I’m curious about it.”

“Madali lang..”, he said.

“Ilang feet yung dagat kung san ka nag scuba? Do you really have to at least know how to swim before ka maging certified scuba diver?”, I asked.

“Do you know how to swim?”, his response. Smiling. 

“Yeah. hehehe.” That’s when I started laughing and smiling. Geez I was being weird again when I started laughing. I had to excuse myself infront of him.

“Sorry about that.”, I said.

“Why did you laugh?”,he asked.

“Nothing, I know how to swim pero konte lang.”,I said.

“I can swim a little as well so that’s fine.”, his answer.

“Alright.”,I said. 

“How’s your asthma? Inaatake ka pa din?”,he asked.

Showed him my inhaler. “Not as much as I used to but just in case.”, I replied.

“How’s your….?”,me looking at him

Surprised with my question. “What?, Wala ako sakit.”,he said.

“I know. Lol”

I’m used to eating my table food the fastest possible time so I managed to finish my ceasar salad right away while he on the other hand is like a lady who enjoys taking the time eating his buffalo wings. I’ve been observing how he eats his chicken, the way he dips it to the sauce and slowly bites then chews it into his mouth. 

I was starting to get too obvious so I took a bite of the banana split that I ordered and dipped it into the chocolate ice cream. The cherry taste so delicious that I offered him to taste it. 

“Spoon mo oh, taste the banana split. Ang sarap ng cherry.”, I said and then handed his spoon.

“Sarap ng ice cream, banana at cherry d ba?”, I said

“Mahilig ka sa ice cream?”, he asked

“Yep, last night naubos ko 750 Ml Chocolate with marshmallows na ice cream. 😂”, I said.

He didn’t respond and then started taking a bite of the banana dipped into the ice cream.

“Mahilig ka sa Banana?”, I said.

He looked at me with malice and smiled.”yeah.”

“What? Why are you giving me that smile and look I was just asking. What size of banana do you like?”, I asked.

“Yung binebenta sa 711.”,he said.

“I knew you were going to say that! LOL”

That’s when we started laughing and giggling. 

“Hey, really,  I want us to talk. Later.”, I said.

“Yeah, later.”,his short response.

The dinner alone was enough but I wanted more from Jon Snow, more of him and more of his time. So after dinner we went to a nearby shop to buy our drinks. I drink but i’m not good with Tequilla brands so I let him pick the best one. He obviously knows that the cheapest one doesn’t taste good so he picked the expensive one paid by me this time.

I know he was kidding when he said not to drink once we get to his place because he already started preparing the lemon, salt and the tequilla glass for our “serious talk.”

The Serious Talk.

So we started the “serious talk” while taking turns in drinking that tequilla shot. Geez, init ng lasa. Kahit may salt and lemon. I can still taste it inside me. 

I think after four shots I finally have the urge to tell him that I recall what happened on his bed, his doorstep, and on the kitchen sink. He was looking at me and said “yes. I remember everything.”

We talked about my adventures after we drifted apart last year and he showed me his adventure. I told him how proud I am of him. We started kissing. We were half way through the bottle when we started to get steamy..I wanna do it with him but the bottle is still not empty. So I was teasing him that we finish the bottle first before doing it. LOL.

I was drunk last night but I remember everything I said and those I said were the words I feel about him. I realized that last night was the sixth instance that we went out. But still nothing happened between us. 

This wasn’t my original plan. I was supposed to meet him next year after my birthday. But then this happpened.

What was I really trying to accomplish last night? Get him naked? Get his soul? I’d like to believe we got each other’s soul bare naked. I know every detail of him, the rough edges of his hands and his feet. His nose, his soft lips, his fair skin. I told him my head us heavy and I want something to drink perhaps a coffee. He got up and prepared me a cup of hot milo. I got up as well but I was staring at him..staring at his beautiful fair skin. I told myself, the moment I laid my eyes on you on that museum where we first met there was something about you. The moment your IDs fell when you were showing me your scuba license I knew you had something in me. That moment when we first kissed and staring at each other.  It was more than sex. That moment I had to bring you food at a bus station because you can’t get out of the lane because you were waiting for the bus, I knew we had something. That moment when we went out for a dinner and you decided to cancel our original plan I knew we had something. That moment when you organized a party and sing along at your friends place on our supposed meet up I knew there was something. That moment I had to gate crash your event because I wanted to see you so badly, yes of all the people that were there my eyes were locked to only one person and that is you. That moment when I usually had cold feet singing in front of many people but I wanted you to hear my song so badly so I sang and we even sang together. We both know it was something. I recall everything Jon Snow, every little detail about what we had, about you. The hot milo was good. Maybe because it was prepared by him and I badly needed one. We went back to bed after. 

We were too hungry to make out but we were too drunk to do it. Needless to say, we ended up finishing the bottle and cuddling and sleeping instead.

The best thing about that night was seeing him and the saddest was the last kiss and the very tight hug we gave at each other on his doortep. “Let me see you again..I wanna see you again.”, I uttered.

He didn’t respond but he hugged me tighter.

“Thank you. I will miss you.”, I said.

“Goodbye Amir.. goodbye”,he finally said.

I didn’t cry but my eyes were lonely. Part of me is happy that I saw him again and part of me is wanting to see and know more about him alone. I’m pretty sure we will meet again. I hope by then ready ka na for me. Next time we meet again I promise you that Amir is not just a little better but going to be bigger better. 

Hmm, dinner at a fancy pizza restaurant paid by him and expensive tequilla drink paid by me and an unforgettable night  If that wasn’t a romantic date then it must be just The Hangover.
Timestamp: 7/23/16 @ 17:26 PST

What could be worse?

Few days from now it’ll be my B-Day and I am single still. If that is something that I should be happy about then what could be worse?

Part of me is excited about the thought that after everything that happened over the last three years I can say I’m a survivor of this so called disease that is rotting not only my body but my whole existence.

I admit that part of me is lonely and this loneliness stems from the fact that I have failed attempts to a lasting relationships over the last three years.  I think I am to blame for all my failed attempts, either because I had high expectations and they were never met so I walked away or I felt that this isn’t going to work so bye for now.  Geez,  I know the answer and yet i’m not being honest, lol.  I guess I don’t wanna hurt their feelings so I’d rather not disclose which one is it.  Either way,  I am single and I am still yearning. Hello Ex!  I hope you miss me as much as I miss us being together!

Am I afraid of spending my B-Day alone? No.  But part of me is wishing that “sana” things would have been different.  I wish I get to spend my special day with someone special to me. Someone that I can call my own.. Yeah,  I have my family but they have their own lives like mine.  I’m happy they’re around but they will never understand what I feel.

I already set my mind that I’ll be spending the next three years as a single man so I made plans and goals for myself that I need to achieve. So what are my plans on my special day?  I have yet to figure that out, all I have at the top of my head is I wanna retreat and run away just for one whole day if not over night to somewhere remote and reflect on my life and enjoy the moment of solitude that I have.

What could be worse? I have yet to find out, but single or not I will make the most out of that special day. It only happens once a year and i’m lucky to be alive and sexier. Yeah, tibay ko lang. My friend told me that I should be fucking grateful that I am healthy again and damn sexier. LOL, If that’s his way of boosting my ego then it worked a little. I run, and I exercise, if that will not result to a healthier and sexier me then I don’t see the point of doing it.

I just wanna have a good time on that special day. Got tired of wallowing over the idea of being single actually that my mind just gave up thinking whether I will end up with Mr.Forever or will I always have to say the three letters N-S-A to anyone I will meet in the future (no pun intended here), 😂 .

My weak sauce life, Need help please.

My so called life has been a weak sauce and since I was idle at work the other day, I thought of asking Google for help, (yeah, desperate times call for desperate measures) for a remedy. Google gave me an idea on how I should be spending my birthday alone. According to one blogger: “Aloneness doesn’t mean lack of love. It’s ok to surrender to what is, to let go of what was, to have faith in what will be.”  And I agree with him in all aspects, I guess I just have to embrace and accept what faith will have to offer me. I am hopeful still of course but while he’s not yet here with me I have to be able to say to myself #Iamowningmyspecialdayonmyown and #spendingmybirthdayaloneisnotthatbad after all.  I just have be able to buy myself a lot of happiness and gift myself that smile that I truly deserved.

I have yet to figure out where to go or what to do on my special day. I filed a leave on that day and I was granted to take a day off at work. Last month I went to San Juan, La Union alone and surf,  last week I went for a hike somewhere in Rizal. Again, I have yet to figure out, but nevertheless, I will make sure to make it special.  I will update this post with my whereabouts and how I spent my Birthday!

Update:  3/28/16

Been busy that’s why I haven’t been able to update my blog. Nevertheless, I am happy that I was able to pull off a perfect birthday celebration for myself by doing something out of the ordinary. I went on a hiking on my special day! Yes! I ascended Mt. Daraitan. The mountain has a difficulty of 4/9, with a trail class 1-3 which features a tropical forest and limestone formations. Moreover, I was lucky to go on a side trip river trek and enjoyed dipping inside the caves of Tinipak river where I enjoyed the natural indoor pool made from stalagmite and stalactite. Too bad, my phone’s battery was already dead so I didn’t get to capture the beauty using my camera phone but I got everything etched on my memory forever.

Couldn’t be happier with how I celebrated my birthday. The strength i’ve been praying 4 years ago is really happening and I am grateful to my Lord God for this. I am not in a relationship at this time and yes there are moments when I long for someone to cuddle me and long for a company but what could be worse?  Yes, I am happy and grateful with this extended life. This is more than enough…at least for now.  Happy Birthday Amir Bun Qi! You’re lucky to be alive still! Embrace it and live and breath every moments that you have. Make every second of your life count!  You will only die once! Keep going!  🙂

P.S. A week after my hike I went on another getaway! This time I went to Zambales!  Will share my photo blogs on my next post!

God Bless! 🙂

Tips To Survive HIV

Below are my shameless tips on how to survive HIV. Please note that the views and opinions on this blog are of my own and does not necessarily reflect to anyone or to any PLHIV groups or organization.

  1. Fight back. HIV is a mental game. It will break you, drain you physically, emotionally and mentally. It starts with your WILL to press on.
  2. Have a game plan. Now that you have the virus, What are you going to do next to survive? You must know your game plan. If you don’t have one yet start making your plan of action and stick with it. Even if it means losing your old life in exchange of vitality.
  3. Follow through on your medication. Never skip your meds! Again, NEVER skip your meds! Your priority should be your health. Hindi sex, hindi barkada but your meds.
  4. I cannot stress this enough: AVOID STRESS at all cost. Control your emotions. If you get into a situation that will trigger stress, count 1 to 10 before you react and try to look at the positive in every situation.
  5. Lastly, If you don’t believe in the concept of a higher being like God, start believing. Pray harder and put a game face on with a smile on your face. What’s limited to you now is limitless to God. Trust His will and you will never go wrong.

Goodluck on your battle. Press on and be strong. The only thing that is permanent is change so if you are reading this and you hit rock bottom because of our condition. Fret not for things will be okay.. Only if you start taking action to change for the better.

Finding My Own Happiness

Dear Other Self,

I made a tweet about fulfilling a little happiness today. Here’s the tweet:

The realization was with me all along but I was blindsided by my feelings for someone. My longing to be involved with somebody blinded the other side of me on how ones happiness can be achieved.

So after today’s solo hike, which I always do, a sudden feeling of peace and deep happiness came in. Probably because, it’s been four months since I last went on a solo hike. Since then I focused much on work till I got sick and depressed and tried to end my life but ended in a hospital…Alive still. Thank God!

There are a lot of reasons to be happy. My lungs is slowly getting better infact after today’s hike I felt my lungs expanded. It was a tiring hike but it was a rewarding one mentally and for my lungs. Another reason for my happiness is my VL result which arrived yesterday. I am still Undetectable. Praise God! When all these months, I felt like I was dying it turned out that it was more about my asthmatic condition. I only need to maintain a healthy lifestyle and control my asthma and my overall health perspective and I think I’m going to live a little longer.

Moreover, I get to keep my job and unexpected blessings are pouring in. I am grateful for the chances that God is giving.

I promise from now on, I will find happiness in and my own terms. As long as I am not hurting others of my happiness I will continue to do it so long as it will bring me peace of mind and long term happiness.

Sincerely,

Amir

Timestamp: 9-17-17 @ 5:13PM

Finding My Happiness

They say finding happiness is an inside job. I don’t care really, so long as it gives me a meaningful life and a smile I think ‘ll give it a shot.

Whether I end up with someone or not it’s still worth taking–finding my happiness.

Good Night!