Dear Perfect stranger,
Meeting you was the best thing that happened to me since I was hospitalized. Before all these I was okay of being alone. In fact, I’ve been living alone with this condition for six years now and even during the time that I was struggling with my health I was not reliant nor dependent to anyone’s affection. Until you came along.
Your kindness and efforts melted the frozen stoned heart in me. Part of me is yearning again for someone. I was touched by yoUr gesture that eventhough it was only our first meet up I never stop thiNKing about you. Since we met all i’ve been hoping for was to get better sooner so we could spend more time together and get to know each other.
But, days past by and I felt the void. You didn’t even give me a chance to ask you about your idea of a perfect date. You under estimated me in so many ways. You only saw the weak side of me. I wasn’t in the right, sound mind at that time when we met. I was looking forward to our second meet up but I guess this will no longer happen. Still I am grateful for your company and for the bother.
I wanted to chase you and tell you about my feelings but it was so hard for me. I respect myself that I didn’t want to even go that far. I guess this is unrequited feelings. I don’t feel any pain nor anger towards you. The truth is, I regret the chances that we will no longer have because all I could think of was– I’m too imperfect for you.
I survived yet another Bronchial Asthma attack, Pneumonia and suicide attempt. I cannot thank You enough for using the people around me such as my Doctor, family, and a few Twitter blood brothers who fought for me when I have already given up. I pray that you bless each one of them and pour upon them the desires of their hearts.
Lord, as for me, I am well and alive again, normal than I have ever been since I was diagnosed. It feels good being able to breath normally without the need to depend on oxygen tank. I am grateful for this gift of life. I am sorry if I have given up on myself.
The situation I am in ATM comes at a price. I am on medical sick leave for two weeks and this is unpaid. You know the worries I have in me but I’d rather not worry too much about it. It will not help my mental, physical and emotional well being. In fact, I am learning just now to let pressures of life worry me. This is a test. I am casting my cares unto you Lord. Be my provider and help me handle my own struggles.
Thank You for everything. I do not deserve the favors and yet You are giving them still.
I want to say I am grateful to be a part of this family for the past 34 years. Every good and bad memories I will always cherish. Please know that for the last five years I have fought hard in my personal battle because I wanted to have more time with you all. I do not blame anyone for what happened to me.
All of this I am reaping because of my own mistakes and actions in the past. If I regret one thing in my life it would be the time when I had the chance not to commit my mistakes but I didn’t do the right thing. So do not blame dad or our family for what happened to me. This is all on me.
By the time you read this letter I am gone. I am tired. For more than five years I have struggled with my condition. I tried fighting back but I can no longer bear the pain. I am happy to have been given five years with you all. I am grateful to God for extending my life and giving me a chance to live a full life.
I love you and please look after each other. Please take care of mom. I love you mommy, **, **, dad.
I am sorry I did not have the courage to tell you what I am really going through. I love you all so much that I chose to keep the pain to myself. When I am gone you will all be free of my misery. Please continue to pray for my soul.
Marami pa ako pangarap and plans but everytime I feel the pain it gets harder and harder everyday. So I am giving up on me now. Maybe when God decides to give me a new life in another lifetime I hope to do better. Tired. My chest. My lungs. I am longing for inner peace.
P.S. I want my body to be cremated and my ashes be thrown in the ocean of Baler. Contact my friend in Baler, he knows what to do.
– Kuya Amir
‘Calm down. Things are gonna be fine. Things are gonna be all great. Just relax.’
Remember this day because this is not gonna happen again. Just ask yourself what you will get out of all these. Learn from the experience and make sure that this will never happen again.
Today is June 7th 2017.
Shit happens and sometimes it happens because of our own accord. I did this to myself so I’ve got no one to blame but myself. Trying to calm down. This too shall pass. If there is one lesson I am gonna pull out right now from my lesson-learned-piles it’s going to be this- “Nothing is permanent in this world.” You will rise up again man and when that happens do your best to remain grounded and strive harder to be better while you are still breathing.
I’m not trying to be emo on this blogpost but today’s post will not be about hiking and adventure. I just had a little weird dream about this song. I’m pretty sure you all know this song. Below is the audio link from Spotify:
I do not know what is with this song but I woke up and felt like my mind and body was humming to the tune of Clair Marlo’s song. Could be my subconscious mind was replaying the events that transpired during the last twenty-four hours. I do remember getting caught up with a lady on an elevator singing this song and I may have continued singing a few lines from the song. What’s so special with this song and why this song of all the events that took place? I have no idea. Or maybe I have I just won’t admit it.
I’ve been avoiding it. I’m still human and I long for a company and someone, but as much as my soul longs for it, I don’t want any complications. I love myself too much that I never want to betray my mental and emotional peace of mind for the time being. It took me years to build a strong one and I can’t just let go of my guard easily. Risk? I believe in the perfect time of our Infinite God. There’s a perfect time for everything. When the time is right. I will know when to let it go.
Lesson learned: The moment I hear someone humming or singing a love song, max the volume on my earphone and listen to my own playlist or plan the next mountain that I will conquer! 🙂
Have a great weekend! 🙂