Death Note

Dear Family,

I want to say I am grateful to be a part of this family for the past 34 years. Every good and bad memories I will always cherish. Please know that for the last five years I have fought hard in my personal battle because I wanted to have more time with you all. I do not blame anyone for what happened to me.

All of this I am reaping because of my own mistakes and actions in the past. If I regret one thing in my life it would be the time when I had the chance not to commit my mistakes but I didn’t do the right thing. So do not blame dad or our family for what happened to me. This is all on me.

By the time you read this letter I am gone. I am tired. For more than five years I have struggled with my condition. I tried fighting back but I can no longer bear the pain. I am happy to have been given five years with you all. I am grateful to God for extending my life and giving me a chance to live a full life.

I love you and please look after each other. Please take care of mom. I love you mommy, **, **, dad.

I am sorry I did not have the courage to tell you what I am really going through. I love you all so much that I chose to keep the pain to myself. When I am gone you will all be free of my misery. Please continue to pray for my soul.

Marami pa ako pangarap and plans but everytime I feel the pain it gets harder and harder everyday. So I am giving up on me now. Maybe when God decides to give me a new life in another lifetime I hope to do better. Tired. My chest. My lungs. I am longing for inner peace.

P.S. I want my body to be cremated and my ashes be thrown in the ocean of Baler. Contact my friend in Baler, he knows what to do.

– Kuya Amir

8-11-17/910PM

Let It Go

I’m not trying to be emo on this blogpost but today’s post will not be about hiking and adventure.  I just had a little weird dream about this song. I’m pretty sure you all know this song. Below is the audio link from Spotify:

I do not know what is with this song but I woke up and felt like my mind and body was humming to the tune of Clair Marlo’s song. Could be my subconscious mind was replaying the events that transpired during the last twenty-four hours. I do remember getting caught up with a lady on an elevator singing this song and I may have continued singing a few lines from the song.  What’s so special with this song and why this song of all the events that took place? I have no idea. Or maybe I have I just won’t admit it.

I’ve been avoiding it. I’m still human and I long for a company and someone, but as much as my soul longs for it, I don’t want any complications. I love myself too much that I never want to betray my mental and emotional peace of mind for the time being. It took me years to build a strong one and I can’t just let go of my guard easily. Risk? I believe in the perfect time of our Infinite God. There’s a perfect time for everything. When the time is right. I will know when to let it go. 

Lesson learned: The moment I hear someone humming or singing a love song,  max the volume on my earphone and listen to my own playlist or plan the next mountain that I will conquer!  🙂

Have a great weekend! 🙂

Running & Asthma

From early childhood I have been a sufferer of Asthma and as I grew older I still always get regular attacks that it has affected not just my personal well-being but also my social well-being. Because I am not allowed to be exposed from smoke and dirt and from crowded places, I would normally avoid social gatherings and would just retreat to outdoor activities to help my lungs breath normally.  The pain of having asthma is no joke that I would have trouble drawing a single breath and this would go on intensely especially at night as if I was breathing my last. So for two-months I started running for thirty-minutes before I go to work. I noticed that there had been a slight decrease to no attacks during the first month and on the second month I noticed a better stamina and no attacks at all. Take note though, that prior to these I was already doing a routine exercises but I would only do running once or thrice a week or sometimes, because of my busy schedule I would only do it on a weekend. The last two months had been a breakthrough for my health because it helped me perform my work well because I didn’t have any attacks and I was always present.

But on the third month, after achieving my personal goals, I procrastinated, I gave plenty of excuses to myself and stopped running, it added up eventually, that I realized I have not been running for three-weeks straight now. Let’s make it two because the third week straight I was bed ridden and could not run at all because my asthma returned. For the last five days I skipped work and refrain myself from doing any outdoor activities and stayed inside my room and forced my body to rest and sleep for more than 10 hours. Also, I did not take any other medications that were prescribed by my doctor other than the maintenance medicine that i’m using.  But I followed her advise and had my chest X-Ray, CBC and Potassium test taken and all three tests resulted normal.  I would eat fruits like Banana and jack-fruit but I wasn’t really eating a healthy meal since I was fond of putting chilli-oil on my food.  Today is the 5th day and I would say I feel a lot better compared to the last four days. It feels as if my body went into a state of shutting down and restarted on the 5th day. Earlier this morning, I decided to go out and test how my body would react, at first it felt like I will experience another attack but when a friend of mine called my attention my body started to adjust to the environment and I feel better again. I think.

Moreover, I started to exercise again today, it wasn’t the running but just the regular push-ups and crunches. I feel normal again. I don’t feel lethargic unlike the previous days. I learned a great lesson from this experience. 1.) I learned not to overindulge myself. Too much of good thing is bad. Moderation is the secret.  2.) Avoid making excuses.

I will try a diet over the weekend. I will update this blogpost for any progress.

Shutdown.

image

I feel like I am stuck in a world where I don’t belong. I feel like I am an outsider trying my best to co-exist with everybody else.

Is this because of my meds? I doubt it, i’ve been like this for a long time. I experience a series of episodes of “shutdown”. Maybe I am just tired of the usual stuff. Maybe. Or maybe I am bored with the life that I have. How do you reinvent yourself into something else?

I think i’ve reinvented myself a lot of times but I want more and I really want to achieve my full potential. Where do I start? How do I start? Which path will I take?

Living with HIV for the last 4.5 years is a real struggle that is bearable and unbearable to some extent. I think i’ve managed to get through it. I think I can still reinvent my self albeit I have this condition.

I am going to achieve it. I need to make it happen. Again.

Timestamp: June 17, 2016, 6:00 AM

“Cure”

My current mood.

Will  you stay with me tonight?
You could be my cure
You’re afraid
I’m a bad guy
All I do is hurt

So take away all my sin
Give me a sweet prayer on my lips
And take it off
Take me in
I wanna make love to you

Put your hands on my chest
I’ll make you feel like you’ve been blessed
Put my words to the test
I wanna make love to you

Will you stay?
I hate to fight
But it makes me want you more
Please, don’t play
With my heart tonight
I get a little insecure

So take away all my sin
Give me a sweet prayer on my lips
And take it off
Take me in
I wanna make love to you

Put your hands on my chest
I’ll make you feel like you’ve been blessed
Put my words to the test
I wanna make love to you

Oh this I swear
I promise to myself
I’ll never let you go
Give you my heart and soul

Oh this I swear
I promise to myself
I’ll never let you go
Give you my heart and soul

So take away all my sin
Give me a sweet prayer on my lips
Take it off
Take me in
I wanna make love to you

Put your hands (put your hands)
On my chest (on my chest)
I’ll make you feel like you’ve been blessed
(My love will bless you, girl)
Put my words to the test
I wanna make love
(I wanna make, I wanna make love)
To you

What could be worse?

Few days from now it’ll be my B-Day and I am single still. If that is something that I should be happy about then what could be worse?

Part of me is excited about the thought that after everything that happened over the last three years I can say I’m a survivor of this so called disease that is rotting not only my body but my whole existence.

I admit that part of me is lonely and this loneliness stems from the fact that I have failed attempts to a lasting relationships over the last three years.  I think I am to blame for all my failed attempts, either because I had high expectations and they were never met so I walked away or I felt that this isn’t going to work so bye for now.  Geez,  I know the answer and yet i’m not being honest, lol.  I guess I don’t wanna hurt their feelings so I’d rather not disclose which one is it.  Either way,  I am single and I am still yearning. Hello Ex!  I hope you miss me as much as I miss us being together!

Am I afraid of spending my B-Day alone? No.  But part of me is wishing that “sana” things would have been different.  I wish I get to spend my special day with someone special to me. Someone that I can call my own.. Yeah,  I have my family but they have their own lives like mine.  I’m happy they’re around but they will never understand what I feel.

I already set my mind that I’ll be spending the next three years as a single man so I made plans and goals for myself that I need to achieve. So what are my plans on my special day?  I have yet to figure that out, all I have at the top of my head is I wanna retreat and run away just for one whole day if not over night to somewhere remote and reflect on my life and enjoy the moment of solitude that I have.

What could be worse? I have yet to find out, but single or not I will make the most out of that special day. It only happens once a year and i’m lucky to be alive and sexier. Yeah, tibay ko lang. My friend told me that I should be fucking grateful that I am healthy again and damn sexier. LOL, If that’s his way of boosting my ego then it worked a little. I run, and I exercise, if that will not result to a healthier and sexier me then I don’t see the point of doing it.

I just wanna have a good time on that special day. Got tired of wallowing over the idea of being single actually that my mind just gave up thinking whether I will end up with Mr.Forever or will I always have to say the three letters N-S-A to anyone I will meet in the future (no pun intended here), 😂 .

My weak sauce life, Need help please.

My so called life has been a weak sauce and since I was idle at work the other day, I thought of asking Google for help, (yeah, desperate times call for desperate measures) for a remedy. Google gave me an idea on how I should be spending my birthday alone. According to one blogger: “Aloneness doesn’t mean lack of love. It’s ok to surrender to what is, to let go of what was, to have faith in what will be.”  And I agree with him in all aspects, I guess I just have to embrace and accept what faith will have to offer me. I am hopeful still of course but while he’s not yet here with me I have to be able to say to myself #Iamowningmyspecialdayonmyown and #spendingmybirthdayaloneisnotthatbad after all.  I just have be able to buy myself a lot of happiness and gift myself that smile that I truly deserved.

I have yet to figure out where to go or what to do on my special day. I filed a leave on that day and I was granted to take a day off at work. Last month I went to San Juan, La Union alone and surf,  last week I went for a hike somewhere in Rizal. Again, I have yet to figure out, but nevertheless, I will make sure to make it special.  I will update this post with my whereabouts and how I spent my Birthday!

Update:  3/28/16

Been busy that’s why I haven’t been able to update my blog. Nevertheless, I am happy that I was able to pull off a perfect birthday celebration for myself by doing something out of the ordinary. I went on a hiking on my special day! Yes! I ascended Mt. Daraitan. The mountain has a difficulty of 4/9, with a trail class 1-3 which features a tropical forest and limestone formations. Moreover, I was lucky to go on a side trip river trek and enjoyed dipping inside the caves of Tinipak river where I enjoyed the natural indoor pool made from stalagmite and stalactite. Too bad, my phone’s battery was already dead so I didn’t get to capture the beauty using my camera phone but I got everything etched on my memory forever.

Couldn’t be happier with how I celebrated my birthday. The strength i’ve been praying 4 years ago is really happening and I am grateful to my Lord God for this. I am not in a relationship at this time and yes there are moments when I long for someone to cuddle me and long for a company but what could be worse?  Yes, I am happy and grateful with this extended life. This is more than enough…at least for now.  Happy Birthday Amir Bun Qi! You’re lucky to be alive still! Embrace it and live and breath every moments that you have. Make every second of your life count!  You will only die once! Keep going!  🙂

P.S. A week after my hike I went on another getaway! This time I went to Zambales!  Will share my photo blogs on my next post!

God Bless! 🙂

Current Mood

I am not in the mood to speak or talk about myself or what I feel so I will just express this through music.  I came across Daniela Andrade’s cover of The Knife song – Heartbeats while watching SUPERGIRL and loved it.

The song speaks of my current mood.

“One night to be confused
One night to speed up truth…”

“One night of magic rush
The start: a simple touch
One night to push and scream
And then relief..”